Liberation

Well, as you can see I haven't posted anything on here in a while....so you know what that means. I backslid... The last few months have been the most challenging, but also the most rewarding because at the end of the tunnel, I found the light. I have recieved emails on my facebook page where people have asked me why I haven't been writing and really there is no good excuse, I just fell off. But I do apologize for going AWOL on those of you who think to stop by and read my blog. Nobody has started following my blog so I really didnt even know if people were still checking, but the emails let me know that you are :)
As some of you know I am diabetic and on 02/07/10 I woke up having trouble breathing and having heart palpitations. I had no energy, I was dehydrated & tired. For the last few years my diabetes tests have been coming in within normal range so it was kind of the last thing I suspected. I ended up in the hospital and the first thing they did was check my glucose levels. The machine read "Critically High" followed by my nurse saying "Oh S***!" Now, when your nurse has that kind of reaction....not good. The next day was spent in a hospital bed with countless rounds of insulin trying to get my body stable, as well as an IV for the dehydraytion, an Insulin drip & a Potassium drip. I was scared. The nurses just couldnt seem to get me stable and all I could think of was dying. But lo and behold, I serve a God that is greater than any obstacle placed in my way. I was sent home on 5 insulin shots a day. One in the morning, and one shot to be taken 4 times a day with breakfast, lunch, dinner and a bed time snack. But I prayed against it. Within a week my insulin levels went back to normal and I was down from 5 shots a day to just one....and hopeful that I can get off of that one too. According to the Drs. 70% of patients get off of insulin within the first 3 months, I'm praying to be in that 70%.

Anyway, for the last couple of weeks...ever since I got out of the hospital, I have just been feeling different. When I was sick I just kept thinking about not being here. What would I have accomplished if something had happened to me and what would my son's life be like if I wasnt here , would he even remember me? He's only 2. It just made me look at a lot of things, situations and people differently. I want to enjoy my life & get closer to God...I think that young people always have it in the back of thier mind s that we have all this "time" but when I was sick, I wasnt sure that I had time or how much time I even had. It may sound a little dramatic but when I was in the hospital the doctor told me if I had waited another 24 hours I wouldnt be here because I was entering a phase of diabetes that used to have a fatality rate of over 95%. I was in the hospital thinking, I dont want to die like this...I wanted a chance to evolve mentally & spiritually so that my life would not be in vain. As high as my glucose levels had been for the past few months, I could have slipped into a coma, had a stroke, heart attack, went blind, lost a limb....at 26! God sustained and kept me even when I didnt even know I was sick and I owe Him so much for that. I owe Him my life. In the past few weeks I have started phasing people out of my life, coming to terms with things that happened in my past, learning how to forgive the people who have hurt me the most that I was holding grudges against, learning how to be a better mother and learning how to love myself and God on a deeper level. The whole process for me has been liberating because I feel like for the first time, I get a chance to define me. Not people, or situations or my background. I get to decide today who I want to be. Even down to my hair, I dont have to keep weave in it or keep perming it to fit in with the norm, I can cut my hair and go natural...just the way God made me. It feels great. I know that 2010 is my year because I feel different, I think about all the things that can come my way this year and I get excited. Even when I think about God I get overjoyed and I have all these feelings towards HIM that I have never felt, I realized the other day that I dont just love God, I have fallen IN LOVE with God. I feel like I have something great coming towards me & even though I dont know what it is, I'm still excited! I truly do feel like I have been set free.